


Now, Was that So Hard?

by lucybun



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-16
Updated: 2011-07-16
Packaged: 2017-10-21 10:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/224335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucybun/pseuds/lucybun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's internal monologue as he thinks about John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now, Was that So Hard?

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure, unadulterated crack that's mostly about Star Wars and erections. NOT A CROSSOVER.

But why?Why does he make me so hard?That’s the question.Rock hard, hard as a rock.No, that’s not good.There are rocks that aren’t particularly hard.Hard as a diamond?Well that’s just awful.Who says that?“Oh, I’m hard as a diamond.”Poncy pricks like Sebastian say that.What do strong, intelligent men say?Hard as steel?Hard as concrete?Hard as carbonite?Bingo!That works.Star Wars.Always a good option.So, why does he make me hard as carbonite?  
 

He’s not even all that attractive.No, that’s not right.He’s not particularly handsome?Nope.Not classically handsome?Yes.That.He’s not classically handsome.He’s short.Yes?Yes.But compact too.In proportion.It doesn’t actually detract from his appeal.I might actually like it?I can see the top of his head.When he’s close I can feel his breath on my neck.Hmm.Oh, well parts of me certainly like it.Getting rather carbonitish here.That’s not a word.They need a word for that.I need an adjectival form of “carbonite.”I should look online and see if one of the other StarDorks has come up with one.God, what if John is someone on that site?I never thought about that.I don’t remember any screen names that sound like John.He’d figure mine out in a minute though, even as slow as he is.I should change it just in case.Dammit.I hate that.Inventedmyownjabba is perfect.I’ll just hack into his laptop and make sure he’s actually been on the site before I do anything rash.Where was I?  
 

Oh, yes, short.Short is good.Short makes me carbonic? Nope.Carbonitiferous?Nope.Anyway, the short makes me hard.And he smells good.It’s his soap and his conditioner.They’re very nice.Manly, yes, but I like it too.Where the hell did that come from?Delete that right now before you say it out loud.Scent, check.Lovely, makes me want to put my nose in the bend of his neck or lean over and press it into the top of his hair.Oh yes, that.Short and shower fresh.Carbonitesque?Maybe.  
 

He also puts up with all of my me-ness.Though, I put up with his obsession with tea and milk and Jeremy Kyle, so we’re pretty even on that front.Still, no one else has ever done it.He bitches about it though.A lot.But I ignore that.A lot.Is that a problem, Willie?No?No.I didn’t think so.We get on with each other as flat mates.Good? Yes.Not hardening good, but that’s okay.If we’re going to start shagging, there needs to be more than just shagging.Don’t want him to go anywhere, especially not once I can insert rod Sherlock into slot John.

He’s smart, too.Well, I say smart.He’s not an idiot.He’s definitely above average.It’s not really fair to compare him to me.No one compares to that.Whoops.No. No. Absolutely not.STOP IT STOP IT DO NOT THINK ABOUT MYCROFT WHILE YOU ARE WORKING ON YOUR CARBONISCITY.John, John, John, John, John.There, that’s better.Moving on.John is smart, and he’s learning.From me.That’s good.I’m good at being pedantic, and he’s good at being pedanted.When he thought to take a picture of that wall, it put some perk in my pants.And when he did that bit with Carl’s shoes, he really didn’t do badly at all.Not good, but not bad, either.That probably would’ve earned a trouser twitch if I hadn’t been so focused on the case.

That’s the problem though.What if we literally start buggering each other senseless?What if repeated doses of sex make me unable to operate heavy machinery?What if long periods of carbonitility of the cock is bad for brain work?Can’t have that.Not acceptable.What will happen if I start bumming him and have to stop because I can’t think anymore?I might lose him then.Also not acceptable.Would he understand?Maybe he’d be okay with a “no rogering during cases” policy?He might be.He understands about the food and the patches, he might be able to handle that.Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.A daily hump or two might not be bad for the work at all.It might make me think even better.It might open a whole new realm of consciousness.John’s arse might be the gateway to a higher plane of understanding. That’d be nice.Get a good seeing to and enlightenment all at the same time.Have to file that under “wait and see.”  
 

Besides, I already know what the answer is.Just don’t want to face it.Blech.It’s awful.How did I even let it happen anyway?This isn’t my area, but, God, I’m not normally so oblivious.Am I?No.Delusional?Maybe.It’s normal and dull and pedestrian and plebian.It’s just so regular people-y… and I _like_ it.That’s the worst part.Look at me.I’m a gooey, squishy mess of glove-minus-g except for the carboninity of my cock.It’s not squishy.It’s never squishy anymore.I need a fag.He’ll kill me if he smells the smoke on me, though, then I’ll never get a leg over.John is upright and good and kind, and he’d never let a dead man into his pants.

That’s him now.11, 12, pause at 13 to avoid the squeaky spot, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.  
 

“God, it’s been a hell of a day.How’s yours been?”  
 

“Hateful.Boring.”  
 

“Jesus H. Christ, Sherlock!What the hell are you doing?”  
 

“I’m lying on the sofa, John.Obviously.”  
 

“You’re lying _naked_ on the sofa with a… a… “  
 

“An erection?A hard-on?A stiffy?”  
 

“A what?Yes.Yes!That’s not on, Sherlock Holmes, that is.Just. Not. On.We need to have a, a uhm serious… a serious discussion about…”  
 

“Yes?”  
 

“About… about…”  
 

“John.”  
 

“What?”  
 

“You wouldn’t happen to be feeling a little carbonitalogical right now, would you?”  
 

“Feeling what now?”  
 

“Hard, John. Like carbonite.”  
 

“Christ, what is it with you and the Star Wars?”  
 

“Oh, pay attention.I’m trying to have a serious discussion here.”  
 

“About what?”  
 

“About the feasibility of our fucking and its effect on my work.”  
 

“The feas—“  
 

“Yes.I have decided that I really cannot make a final determination without a thorough study.”  
 

“A feasibility study?On us fucking?”  
 

“Exactly.”  
 

“And why on earth would I ever agree to that?”  
 

“One, we find each other attractive.Two, we get along.Three, we work well together.Four, we tolerate each other’s quirks.Five, I like that you’re short.Six, you smell very nice.”  
 

“I smell very nice?”  
 

“Yes.So, what do you say?”  
 

“No.”  
 

“What?!?Why not?You want to.You’re hard right now.I can see it.Your little soldier pitched a tent in less than two minutes.“  
 

“Yep, sure did.I’m hard as a rock.”  
 

“Ugh.Don’t say that.Do you know how many types of rocks there are?And some of them are very soft.There are rocks made of talc.Chalk is a rock, John.People should pay closer attention to their similes.”  
 

“Are we done here then?Because if that’s all you’ve got to say, I’m going to go upstairs and get Rosy to turn my carbonite into chalk.”  
 

“You’re going to do what?Who the hell is this Rosy person?“  
 

“Rosy isn’t an actual person, idiot.I meant that I’m going to go have a wank.”  
 

“Oh.Why would you do that?I just told you that we can have sex now.We can do it right here.I’m already naked and we’re both hard as—“  
 

“No, Sherlock, what you said was that you wanted to see if it was worth your while for us to have sex because I put up with you and I smell good.I don’t need that bone thrown to me.If that’s the best you’ve got, you can keep it.”  
 

Oh, hell.He’s going to make me say it, isn’t he?Look at him.That smug gleam in his adorable little eyes.He already knows, the bastard.Rocking on his cute little feet, smirking with that sweet little mouth.If there wasn’t some major carboniliciousness going on right now, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

“Okay.What if I were to tell you that I am not only sexually attracted to you, but I am quite fond of you, as well?How’s that?”  
 

“Better, but still no.”  
 

“I feel a deep and abiding sense of affection for you?"  
 

“Nah-ah.But you’re getting warmer.”  
 

Really? _Really_?Honestly, are we really still on board with this, Downstairs?Yes?Are you sure?Fucking stubborn carbonite.But this is it.I have some dignity left here somewhere.Yes I do too, Knob, so you can just shut up.You’re what got us into this trouble in the first place.All right, time to belt up, Holmes.You can do this.

“Dearest John, I may or may not be feeling an emotion towards your person that may or may not rhyme with dove.Satisfied?”  
 

“Nope.But, God, you’re so close you can _taste_ it.”  
 

Did he just thrust his hips out when he said “taste it”?He did!That dirty cheat!How dare he stand there looking like that, moving his hips and licking his lips and wearing his jumper with that tummy and those ears… and what were we talking about, again?Oh.Oh!Damn, damn and double damn.I’ll really say it this one time, but he’s going to pay for this.Big time.In the form of a blow job.Blow jobs are going to be the official form of currency in Carbonita.We’ll call them “blow jabbas.”  
 

“Fine!I love you!Are you happy now?”  
 

“Yes.”  
 

“Can we have sex now?”  
 

“Yes.”  
 

“And that blow job you owe me?”  
 

“How do you reckon that one?”  
 

“Look, I’m the Chancellor of the Exchequer here in Carbonitania, and if I say you owe me a blow job then you owe me a blow job.It’s like the VAT.”  
 

“I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, and I don’t particularly care.Come on then.I think it’s more _feasible_ to do this upstairs in a bed.I’m glad you finally figured all this out, you know?”  
 

“Are you?You sure didn’t act like it, putting me through that torture back there.”  
 

“Well, I am.I was getting a little tired of being Hands Solo, if you know what I mean.”  
 

“It’s Han So— Oh, a pun.How clever.”  
 

“I thought you might like that one, Inventedmyownjabba.”  
 

GODDAMMIT!

 

 


End file.
